Seriously? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like a normal person and just fall back asleep?
Instead I start having anxiety about not being able to sleep and that creates more anxiety. I try to take my mind off my anxiety and try using techniques that are supposed to help me fall asleep. Ask me how that went. . . I never fell back asleep. Surprised? Me neither. Trying to take my mind off my anxiety was supposed to work but hey I created a blog post in my head instead.
I had this amazing blog post in my head. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I saw what it needed to look like. What it needed to sound like. What I needed you to hear. It was awesome.
Can I recreate it? I don't know. Why didn't I just get up and write it? I don't know. Why do I have a million things going on in my head all the time so I can't calm down enough to sleep? I don't know.
I just don't know. How do you awesome bloggers write blog posts that make sense? And write regularly? I have a million things to say but no idea how to say them. It makes my head hurt but I'm not giving up.
Fair warning- This post did not come together they way I wanted it to so read it at your own risk.
Anyways. . .
In the middle of the night I was trying to get my mind off my anxiety by daydreaming about going to the pool today. Of course instead of just laying in the sun my brain begins to go through all sorts of other pool related things and settles on swimsuits and being fat. Did I just say fat? Yes. I am fat. Surprise! Fat, curvy, plus size, sturdy. It doesn't matter what word you use. I'm not worried about it. Why are you?
When I said my mind settled on thinking about swimsuits and being fat you probably thought I was going somewhere negative with that. Nope. The opposite actually. Yesterday I was shopping and found a super cute swimsuit for my curvy self. That's all, I was daydreaming about wearing my new swimsuit to the pool. Excited I found something in my size! The end.
But your fat Heather. Aren't you embarrassed? Not in the slightest. Are you?
It is crazy to hear so many ladies complain about their bodies. Ladies 100 pounds lighter than me worried about being in a swimsuit. I am sad for you. Why can't we be thankful instead of shameful when thinking about our bodies?
My body tells a story, a painful story. A story that created the person I am today. Even though I haven't taken care of my body like I should, it has taken care of me. My body shows the trial of a painful marriage. The almost unbearable stress and pain of getting a divorce during graduate school. The realization that my perfect life of being married with children was gone. The anxiety of opening a new school. Why be ashamed of that?
What about your body? Did your body survive miscarriages? Create beautiful children? Carry you through difficult times? Cancer? Rape? Sexual abuse? Sadness? Depression? Anxiety? Pain of any sort?
And your still alive?
How amazing. Seriously. Amazing!
So you haven't lost the baby weight? You've got that scar on your leg where they took out the cancer? Are you really going to let that stop you from enjoying having fun with your children at the pool? Enjoying a day at the lake with your family?
What are your thoughts when you see someone with a less than perfect body in a swimsuit? Me? I'm thinking I want to be that cute grandma with saggy boobs and wrinkly legs playing with her grand kids. The gal in the bikini across the way with a bunch of stretch marks? I wish I had a child to give me those stretch marks.
Do you really think that people are that worried about what you look like in a swimsuit? No? Then why are you worried about it? Let's be honest. Most of them are too worried about their bodies to worry about yours! If for some reason they are actually concerned isn't it their problem, not yours? What they think of you is none of your business.
Find a way to accept your body where it is right now. If you think you will be happy once you get to your goal weight, or tone those thighs, or get rid of that gut, I have news for you. That is not happiness. Stop chasing happiness and find it where you're at. Right now I am the heaviest I've ever been but I am also the happiest I've been in 8+ years.
So this summer you have a choice to make. You can be that mom under the tree, dripping sweat, fully clothed and just trying to survive OR you can put on that swimsuit and not worry about your body.
I will tell you this. It takes practice and work to accept your body but it's so worth it. Wear the swimsuit. Just do it. Once I decided to change my thinking about my body it took some time to get comfortable in it but I've done it. Maybe you should try it to.
I'll see ya at the pool. Look for the curvy girl in all her cottage cheese glory strutting around in her adorable swimsuit.
For a great blog post about this topic check out Scary Mommy and her post called "Put On Your Damn Swimsuit."
A couple of places I like to get my plus size swimsuits in case you were wondering:
Target- If you're willing to do the high wasted fatkini thing then you can get some great tops in the regular sized swimwear, cause even skinny girls have big boobs sometimes. They go by cup size like a bra so that's awesome. Then they have some great high wasted plus size bottoms.
Downeast- 40% off through the end of the week
Swimsuitsforall.com- Stuff is always on sale. Don't buy anything if it isn't on sale. Sign up for discount e-mails. Check sizing charts before buying since there are many different brands.
Hapari- Higher prices but good quality.
Lane Bryant- Higher price but very nice. I am a bit too small for their suits but when I have checked them out they seem like they are good quality and supportive.
