Get Your Fat Butt in That Swimsuit

Let me just tell you about my wonderful night last night (said dripping with sarcasm). I was in bed by about 9:30pm, I know right? Living on the wild side this summer! I had a conference today so I wanted to be in bed early so that I could survive being up by 6am. I settled down and was hoping I was close to sleep by 10pm, but nope. At 1am I'm still awake watching Netflix. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to watch TV that close to bed time but I can't sleep without the noise. Anyways. . . at some point I fell asleep. It was great. All 2 hours of it. 3am rolls around and here I am wide awake again.

Seriously? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like a normal person and just fall back asleep?

Instead I start having anxiety about not being able to sleep and that creates more anxiety. I try to take my mind off my anxiety and try using techniques that are supposed to help me fall asleep. Ask me how that went. . .  I never fell back asleep. Surprised? Me neither.  Trying to take my mind off my anxiety was supposed to work but hey I created a blog post in my head instead.

I had this amazing blog post in my head. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I saw what it needed to look like. What it needed to sound like. What I needed you to hear. It was awesome.

Can I recreate it? I don't know. Why didn't I just get up and write it? I don't know. Why do I have a million things going on in my head all the time so I can't calm down enough to sleep? I don't know.

I just don't know. How do you awesome bloggers write blog posts that make sense? And write regularly? I have a million things to say but no idea how to say them. It makes my head hurt but I'm not giving up.

Fair warning- This post did not come together they way I wanted it to so read it at your own risk.

Anyways. . .

In the middle of the night I was trying to get my mind off my anxiety by daydreaming about going to the pool today. Of course instead of just laying in the sun my brain begins to go through all sorts of other pool related things and settles on swimsuits and being fat. Did I just say fat? Yes. I am fat. Surprise! Fat, curvy, plus size, sturdy. It doesn't matter what word you use. I'm not worried about it. Why are you?

When I said my mind settled on thinking about swimsuits and being fat you probably thought I was going somewhere negative with that. Nope. The opposite actually. Yesterday I was shopping and found a super cute swimsuit for my curvy self. That's all, I was daydreaming about wearing my new swimsuit to the pool. Excited I found something in my size! The end.

 But your fat Heather. Aren't you embarrassed? Not in the slightest. Are you?

It is crazy to hear so many ladies complain about their bodies. Ladies 100 pounds lighter than me worried about being in a swimsuit. I am sad for you.  Why can't we be thankful instead of shameful when thinking about our bodies?

My body tells a story, a painful story. A story that created the person I am today.  Even though I haven't taken care of my body like I should, it has taken care of me. My body shows the trial of a painful marriage. The almost unbearable stress and pain of getting a divorce during graduate school. The realization that my perfect life of being married with children was gone. The anxiety of opening a new school. Why be ashamed of that?

What about your body? Did your body survive miscarriages? Create beautiful children? Carry you through difficult times? Cancer? Rape? Sexual abuse? Sadness? Depression? Anxiety? Pain of any sort?

And your still alive?

How amazing. Seriously. Amazing!

So you haven't lost the baby weight? You've got that scar on your leg where they took out the cancer? Are you really going to let that stop you from enjoying having fun with your children at the pool? Enjoying a day at the lake with your family?

What are your thoughts when you see someone with a less than perfect body in a swimsuit? Me? I'm thinking I want to be that cute grandma with saggy boobs and wrinkly legs playing with her grand kids. The gal in the bikini across the way with a bunch of stretch marks? I wish I had a child to give me those stretch marks.

Do you really think that people are that worried about what you look like in a swimsuit? No? Then why are you worried about it? Let's be honest. Most of them are too worried about their bodies to worry about yours! If for some reason they are actually concerned isn't it their problem, not yours? What they think of you is none of your business.

Find a way to accept your body where it is right now. If you think you will be happy once you get to your goal weight, or tone those thighs, or get rid of that gut, I have news for you. That is not happiness. Stop chasing happiness and find it where you're at. Right now I am the heaviest I've ever been but I am also the happiest I've been in 8+ years.

So this summer you have a choice to make. You can be that mom under the tree, dripping sweat, fully clothed and just trying to survive OR you can put on that swimsuit and not worry about your body.

I will tell you this. It takes practice and work to accept your body but it's so worth it. Wear the swimsuit. Just do it. Once I decided to change my thinking about my body it took some time to get comfortable in it but I've done it.  Maybe you should try it to.

I'll see ya at the pool. Look for the curvy girl in all her cottage cheese glory strutting around in her adorable swimsuit.

 For a great blog post about this topic check out Scary Mommy and her post called "Put On Your Damn Swimsuit."

A couple of places I like to get my plus size swimsuits in case you were wondering:
Target- If you're willing to do the high wasted fatkini thing then you can get some great tops in the regular sized swimwear, cause even skinny girls have big boobs sometimes. They go by cup size like a bra so that's awesome. Then they have some great high wasted plus size bottoms.
Downeast- 40% off through the end of the week
Swimsuitsforall.com- Stuff is always on sale. Don't buy anything if it isn't on sale. Sign up for discount e-mails. Check sizing charts before buying since there are many different brands.
Hapari- Higher prices but good quality.
Lane Bryant- Higher price but very nice. I am a bit too small for their suits but when I have checked them out they seem like they are good quality and supportive.

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to inform you that it is not appropriate to turn into a monster because of graduation. Why is it that when graduation comes around you allow your child to yell at me when you're sitting right there? Why are you allowed to tell me I am the worst counselor ever? To threaten me? With suicide? Really?!? When did graduation become solely my responsibility?

Remember how you are the parent? How you are able to check grades and graduation requirements all day everyday if you wanted to? Remember the letters I sent home each quarter letting you know your student was still not on track to graduate? Oh and that meeting where we had the same conversation? Plus all those times I pulled that child of yours in to talk to them about getting packets done or passing classes? Remember that? I sure do. Oh and I have it all documented if you want more information.

Remember how your student is the one who does the work? Remember how your student is the one graduating? Well I do.

Why all year did you not care until the last 2 weeks of school, or even the morning of graduation? When did it become the responsibility of everyone else to graduate your child? I thought that responsibility would fall on you, the parent, and your child. I am so confused.

The 2 most important parts of my job are the mental health of your child and getting them graduated because it improves their mental health. All year I work hard to help your child get to where they need to be and still I am at fault? Really?

You're child, your responsibility.

Sincerely yours,

A wonderful, talented, caring counselor who ALWAYS does everything she can to help your child make it through their depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc PLUS get them to graduation.

I had to write this out. Not to give any of these parents power but to get it out of my head so that I can move on. Thankfully in these few situations I am able to have my 30 minutes of being upset, crying, venting, what ever it takes, but then moving on. The hard part for me is that I feel like the 2 or 3 parents that get upset overshadow all the other good I do.  I have hundreds of students I help each year. Even the students who didn't graduate on time got plenty of help from me whether or not their parents believe it. It is something I have to be okay with, but it's hard.  I am invested in each of these children and love them so much so when their parent argues that I don't care, it hurts.

I also wonder how anyone can feel good about treating someone the way I get treated.

When I was in school, if I didn't do what I needed to, I was in trouble, not everyone else. When did things change? And how is this healthy for the child? What happens when this child gets to college? Who saves them then? When they get a professional job? I can just imagine my mom going in to my boss if something goes wrong and blaming him.  I would be humiliated and I am pretty sure it wouldn't go over well. I'm a grown up. I have to deal with it. Everyone makes mistakes and guess what? The mistakes I've made have helped me grow. A LOT. There are things I've done in my career that have been mistakes and guess what? After that mistake? I never did it again. I learned way more from that then from my mom saving me.

If I do something wrong no one is there to blame other people, but I handle it pretty well. Wanna know why? Because I was allowed to fail. If I left a big project until the last minute and had a meltdown, I still had to get it done. No one saved me and I'm so thankful. My parents did it right. They supported me and helped me when I needed it but they didn't save me from situations I created myself. Thank you for that.

Here's my last thought and then I'm done.

What if your child needs this experience to learn something? What if instead of teaching your child to blame others, you taught them to learn from their mistakes? So they have to graduate late? Make it a learning experience. Yes it breaks my heart that your child didn't get to walk but teach them to learn from it. What could they have done differently? In the future how can they make sure something like this doesn't happen again?

Happy people don't fail
Happy people just learn
Little Big Town- From my current favorite song! At first I wasn't sure I liked those lyrics but seriously failure is the best way to learn.

What You Think of Me is None of My Business

I can't believe how therapeutic writing that last blog post was. Normally Mother's Day is the worst, but this year, I was able to cry. I was able to feel my feelings and then move on and have a pleasant day. Now if I'm being honest, it wasn't the best day ever, but I was able to move on and not dwell on being childless.

Now what? What if I want to blog again but I don't know how? What if it isn't good enough? What if I am a one hit wonder? What if. . .

I guess we'll find out together.

The last time I blogged, I didn't have to think, it just happened. I was sitting thinking about Mother's Day and the idea of blogging popped into my head. No way was I going to blog. I hadn't in years! I ignored the thought and watched an episode on Netflix, but I didn't hear a word of it. I was stuck in my own head and the only way to get out was to write. Why not share then. Right?

Wrong.

What if no one likes it? What if someone thinks I shared too much? What if. . .

Clearly I decided to share anyways.

Now my mind keeps racing. What do I share next? What, in my head, is worth sharing? Everything? Nothing? I have no idea but here goes nothing.

WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS (This will most likely be the first of many posts about this book so if you're a little confused by my post, that's okay. It will make sense eventually. I think. . .)

For whatever reason my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. So many "what ifs" going on in my head. With everything that goes on in there, I could be so self-conscious I would never speak again. But why? Aren't I good enough?

Actually I am. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I wish that I could say that those "what ifs" have disappeared, but that isn't reality. I recently came to the concision that I am good enough, but things aren't rainbows and unicorns now. When you believe something for long enough it becomes your reality. So how do I get out? One month at a time? One day at a time? Maybe one hour at a time? NO. One thought at a time.

The truth is "that you have made decisions about yourself, others, and life that were once conscious decisions but have become unconscious ones and yet continue to direct your decisions and to determine the quality of your life". Yeah, you might have to read that again to catch what it's saying. I am going to have to read the book multiple times if I want to really understand it all.

I created a reality that I don't like! Why did I do it? Why did I rely so heavily on what other people thought of me? I don't know, but it stops now. Okay fine, it doesn't stop, but it's slowing down. I still fight those "what if" thoughts every day but it's getting easier.

"What ifs" are dumb. At first I thought I just needed to replace my negative thoughts with positives. Nope! It doesn't work that way. Sure thinking "what if they like it?" is better than thinking "what if they don't?" but I still don't like it. I am still looking for validation from others.

I need to stop looking for validation from others. You need to stop looking for validation from others. Stop right now. Why are you doing that? Aren't you good enough without having to hear it from others? Didn't God create you in his own image? Doesn't he think you're good enough? Yes? So why question him?

Are you trying your best?
Then you are good enough

Are you moving forward?
Then you are good enough

Are you surviving and maybe even enjoying life?
Then you are good enough

Are you struggling and just trying to survive until tomorrow?
Then you are good enough

No matter your situation YOU are good enough.

To the Childless Mother

I am inside my own head a lot. I think a lot more than I speak. I think deeply about things before I share with others. I have a lot to say but I don't always say it. If you have gotten to know me, I may talk too much, but with most people I listen, I watch, I observe. I am not the talker. I am the listener.

If you've ever been in my office you may have seen this quote once before.

Today I feel the need to "talk". I thought about doing a Facebook post but I have way more to say than that so here I am blogging for the first time in over 2 years. I like to blog but I never do it anymore. For a while after my divorce I felt like I didn't have anything of importance to say so I stayed inside my head. In about 2009 is when I started to believe that I was nothing. Nothing I said mattered and no one wanted to hear it. I wasn't important and I was just weird. Well guess what? Everyone is weird and if you think I'm weird then I'm totally okay with that. I am reading this book called "What You Think of me is None of my Business" and I am taking it to heart. In the last couple of months I have changed my ways. I'm kinda smart and when I want to share something from now on, I will, so be prepared. I speak my mind now and it feels wonderful. I also stopped blogging because I'm not the best writer but again, I DON'T CARE. You don't have to read it.

Anyways today's blog has nothing to do with fashion and who knows if my future blog posts will have to do with that. I don't know if I will blog again tomorrow or 3 years from now but today I have something to say.

Mother's Day is one of the hardest days of the year for me. Each year I try to be happy and enjoy the day, but it is hard. I want to be happy so that I don't make my own mother sad, but it is hard. She is wonderful and I hate to see her hurting for me. She is amazing.

Today I choose to feel whatever I am feeling. With my kids at school I help them work on feeling their feelings and then moving on. Not to wallow but to let yourself feel those emotions and learn how to deal with them. Now I'm learning to do it myself.

To all the mothers who don't have traditional children it's okay to be sad. As I sit here teary eyed I understand that pain. I don't have the experiences you do and your situation may be completely different but I understand the emptiness of not having your own child.  It's okay to feel what your feeling but remember that you are still a mother.

To the mother who has lost a child, never had a child, or is desperately trying to have a child. You are a mother. To the single women who may never get married, you are a mother. To any women who has ever cared for a child or anyone really, in any capacity, you are a mother.

To the children who make me feel like a mother every day- thank you. On this day I try to focus on, not my lack of children, but the love I have for many.

To the child who came to me with pills in her pocket and a plan to end her life. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me instead so that I stop the heartache of your mother losing her child.

To the child who came to me when she found out she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. Thank you for trusting me to support you like a mother.

To each child that shares their worries and pain with me. I love you and I am thankful you can trust me like a mother.

To all 400+ children that are in my care each year. The ones that always make me cry at graduation ,because I can't bare to watch them go, but I am so excited for their future. Thank you for letting me love you and care for you for a few short years.

To my wonderful niece and now 2 nephews, thank you for teaching me what it's like to love someone  so much it hurts.

To my Heavenly Father. Thank you for giving me the ability to love so many children unconditionally. Children that are hard and not always easy to love, but for some reason I can.

Our ability to love others comes straight from our Heavenly Father and it is what makes us mothers. Not our traditional children or lack thereof.

Today my heart is full. Full of the heartache of not having my own children. Full of the love I have for all the children who have the opportunity to love. Full of gratitude for this special talent I have to love others.

Whatever you feel today- it's okay. Feel what you need to but remember

YOU ARE A MOTHER